debaucherie:

Anonymous: Why do you think so many people are critical of having sex outside of a relationship? Whenever I mention to any of my friends that I'd willingly have sex with a guy I wouldn't date, they get all judgmental, or even worse (in my opinion), they start thinking that something is wrong with me, like I have emotional issues or something. Why are they like this? And do you have any tips for how I should deal with this? I feel like I can't tell my friends anything without them thinking badly of me.

Oh honey, I can relate all too well. I don’t mean to sound dismissive or overly critical of your friends (in most cases, it’s a result of someone’s repressive upbringing, prolonged exposure to the unfortunate practice of shaming/attacking women who are openly sexual, lack of non-traditional sex education, minimal exposure to people who are sexually liberated & ‘normal’ & happy, all of that sort of thing), but they really ought to get off their high horses. People can have emotional issues within traditional relationships. And sexual issuestoo, for that matter. What does being single or having casual sex have to do with any of that?

If someone likes you enough to call you a friend, they should like you enough to also respect your [perfectly healthy] attitude toward sex & dating. Choosing this (sex outside of a relationship) as a marker of whether there’s something ‘wrong’ with a person is not only nonsensical, it’s childish. It implies a lack of maturity in regards to understanding relationships in general; sexual relationships are, after all (to echo Dan Savage), a kind of relationship.

If you have an active sex life & you’re enjoying yourself, how on earth does that translate into emotional issues? Being in control of your own sex life is a positive thing. How many people you sleep with, your relationship status, how much sex you have & in what ways, etc. is not tied to your mental/emotional stability or your value as a human being in the least. SEX IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE.

And even if you’re not having fun— say, you slept with someone who was awful in bed or someone’s just being a shithead or whatever the case may be— shouldn’t friends be the ones who are there to talk through it with you? Friends are supposed to be the people you can think of as close confidants— & even if they don’t agree with your [ahem, again, totally rational] views on sex/dating all of the time, they should at least respect them.

But anyhow. The approach that has always worked for me— & the key here is not to put on a show, but actually believe in this (& it sounds like you do)— is to exude an unapologetic, confident, & content aura whenever I speak about my sex/dating life.

It’s really hard to knock down a person who is happy with their lifestyle choices, & moreover, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about. You know it, & they could definitely stand to know it, too.

Best case scenario: you’ll gradually change their ridiculous misconceptions about people who have sex outside of relationships. Worst case scenario: you’ll come to realize that certain friends can’t be trusted with the details of your sex life. But I’d like to believe that most people aren’t that inherently narrow-minded: they might just need their perspectives widened a bit— & who better to do it than someone they already know? It’s not your responsibility to change their thinking, & it’s okay to agree to disagree, but if they continue to be judgmental, they’re the ones who need an attitude adjustment— not you.

Anonymous: What sort of conversations do you have about STD's and testing with your partners? Do you always ask? Do you need proof that they're clean? Advice for how to broach the subject?

Hello! Kudos for being the first person to send in a question about this critically important topic (not that I don’t love writing about sexy sex things as often as possible, but y’know..)

I’m trying to maintain a level of full disclosure here (as with all replies) so this might get a little knotty, but stay with me. Hopefully I can give a fuller sense of how these things go out in the real world, & not Sex Ed for Puritans la-la land.

As a general rule for me, condoms are a requisite with new partners. I don’t have much patience for bullshit “Oh but it doesn’t feel the same” excuses— or worse, the classic (& sadly, still in use by full-grown adults) line, “What, do you think I’m dirty or something?” & similar passive-aggressive whimpering.

You know what kind of response that warrants? “No, I don’t think you’re dirty— but now, I do think you’re fucking irresponsible, & I’ve just lost all desire to sleep with you.”

Seriously. As we’re all well aware, a person can get an STD from having one partner, ever— just as they can from their one hundredth— & I’m not one for messing with odds in any case. For simplicity’s sake, I opt for condoms & circumvent the STD conversation (unless there’s oral sex), or I’ve been sleeping with the person for a while & there’s an established level of trust/intimacy. At that point, we have the “When was the last time you got tested?” talk. It really doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

I prefer proof, but sometimes people receive test results over the phone, etc. so they don’t have paperwork handy. If I trust someone enough to be seeing/sleeping with them regularly, I’m of the mindset that I should be able to take them at their word if they’re taking me at mine. There have been times where I’ve asked to see proof (& thankfully, received it.) As for me, I get tested twice a year— sometimes more, if I’ve done something idiotic (read on..) or feel paranoid or whatever. I keep copies of my most recent test results in a desk drawer, & I’m not offended if someone asks to see them. Looking out for your sexual health is something to be lauded, not criticized.

The importance of getting tested, STD prevention, etc. can’t be understated, & I think that the social stigma of STD/STI statuses is— ironically enough— part of what makes people reluctant to get tested/talk about testing in the first place. Some people wait years to get checked out, or until noticeably unpleasant symptoms come up, which is really unwise because prolonging the time before treatment/diagnosis can often lead to further complications, not to mention the risk of infecting others.. and many STDs can be asymptomatic. Others know that they’re infected, but avoid telling past/current partners for fear of gaining a reputation, being rejected in the future, etc.

So if it helps drill the point home without sounding blase, I will say this: STDs are just infections. Most are curable/treatable. Treat getting tested just like you would treat any other regular medical exam.

All of that said, I’m not a saint, & I’ve slipped up on more than one occasion about the condom militancy thing. And guess what? Once, years ago, it came back to bite me. And guess what else? All it took to fix it was a trip to CVS. But I never want to make the kinds of calls I had to make then, ever again. Having the conversation beforehand is infinitely easier. Trust.

So please: be direct, honest, & careful. For your sake, & the sake of your partners.

Anonymous: I was reading an article about no-strings attached, friends with benefits relationships, and it was saying that they are impossible to have because "women cannot have sex with anyone without having some type of emotional investment in their partner." Do you think this is true? When I read it, I immediately thought that that was completely wrong, but I was wondering what your opinion would be.

That sort of thinking, in my opinion, is reductive rubbish. Here’s what I think:

1. Why just women? Are men some sorta devolved breed of neanderthals who are impervious to having complex feelings of any kind? Are women emotional basketcases who need constant affection & chocolate & romantic comedies & low-carb salad dressing to be happy? Are we still letting these absurd dichotomies color the way we think about gender relations in fucking 2012? Fuck pop psychology.

2. If you’re having sex without any sort of emotional response— whether it’s desire, excitement, disgust, boredom, curiosity, something— far as I can tell, you’re either: a Real Doll, taking way too many drugs, or.. doing it wrong? I mean, I just don’t understand how that works.

3. I really wish that the term ‘friends with benefits’ would disappear from our collective consciousness. Sex is not health insurance or a 401k, & a friendship that includes sex is just that: a friendship that includes sex.

A combination of sex and emotional investment doesn’t instantly imply that someone is going to turn into some hypersensitive needy sapling whenever they’re around the other person in question (& if that is the case, it might be a matter of emotional maturity, not the situation/relationship structure.)

What are these ‘strings’, anyway, & what is so fucking toxic or terrifying about the prospect of having them in the first place? If you want to think about sex between friends as some sort of measured, businesslike transaction, go right ahead. I don’t buy it, & I have no interest in sleeping with anyone who does. (Much in the same way that I have no interest in sleeping with someone who reads Tucker Max, or subscribes to Maxim or Cosmo… c’mon now.)

Anonymous: Is it hard on you, emotionally, to have so many lovers? I imagine having many romantic partners must be overwhelming. Does it ever stress you out or stretch you thin? How do you cope?

Sometimes, but cope implies a struggle— & this is the life I’ve chosen, after all. I won’t pretend as though it’s always fun & light & harmless, or that everyone’s disposable & everything wraps up neatly, but the benefits definitely outweigh the difficulties. I’ve said this before in response to a similar question, & there’s really no other way to put it: I’m the amorous type. More often than not, dating or sleeping with one person isn’t completely fulfilling for me. Or, to put it more fairly, each person is fulfilling in certain way(s), & those ways rarely overlap. Dating is such a nuanced & fascinating adventure; I have an almost anthropological fascination with experiencing different kinds of lovers & different kinds of romantic entanglements.

… But I think I’m drifting away from your original question. In the response I linked to above, I talked about being stretched thin, so I’ll just address the rest here:

When I try to explain my approach to dating (as of late, anyway), I liken it to parallel universes. I’m myself in each case— with slight circumstantial variations, of course— & lovers co-exist within the same timeframe, but they don’t cross paths or have anything to do with each other. To me, it’s only fair to look at/treat each as a separate entity, rather than let what’s happening with one person strongly affect my relations/relationship with another. So if I’m stressed out, it’s usually more to do with a specific person or situation. Scheduling & all the rest isn’t any harder or easier than finding time for family, friends, etc.

Here’s what’s truly difficult, though: near-ubiquitous, seemingly unavoidable talks in which someone I’m seeing confesses to feeling ‘second best’ &/or like he isn’t enough. No matter how often men— especially those in my age group— claim to be okay with ‘sharing’ (to borrow their terminology, which I don’t fully agree with), this conversation almost always arises after a few weeks or months of dating. It’s difficult for me to empathize because, as I see it, I’m already ‘sharing’ myself with family/friends/the universe, but I guess the sexual component makes their possessive instincts kick in. It’s tough to explain (& make someone believe) that regardless of whether I’m single or in a relationship (an open one, that is) or dating ten other people or dating one other person, the outcome of OUR relations depends entirely on OUR behavior & OUR compatibility.

Those conversations rarely end favorably, & losing someone who refuses to ‘share’ me— & sees it as an all or nothing sort of situation— never gets easier, especially because it most often happens when the relationship/connection is meaningful for both of us. The other person rightly senses our closeness/compatibility & gets uncomfortable about it co-existing amid whatever other levels/types of relationships I have going on. 

rattlingbone: Whilst in the midst of the start of a sexy time session with a man I've been bedding for a month or so now, I was giving him head. He proceeded to guide my hand towards his scrotum, & after a few minutes, moved my hand to his anus. It didn't go any further than that but I think he wanted it to. I am trying to reign in the taboo ideas & am grateful he felt comfortable enough to tell me what makes him feel good. That's a beautiful thing. But it turned me off a bit & I have no idea how to deal.

Did he tell you what makes him feel good, or did he just try to get you to do it? If it was the former (which doesn’t sound like the case, but please correct me if I’m wrong), you would’ve at least had time to process it/react differently if he’d brought this up beforehand instead of just.. moving your hand. So I don’t think your reaction is unwarranted at all, & I don’t think you should expect yourself instantly feel comfortable with whatever he (or anyone else) throws your way, or fault yourself for not being able to ‘deal’ with it.

But let’s take him out of the picture for a minute & focus on your reaction. Were you turned off ‘a bit’, as you say, or more than that? Were you disgusted or curious? Afraid or aroused? If you saw photos/porn in which someone else was performing a similar act, would you want to look?

I’m all for exploration & open-mindedness, but you’re entitled to your preferences & turn-ons & thresholds just as much as he is, so if this isn’t something you want to do, I’m sure (& it sounds like..) there’s countless other things you can agree on. When somebody recently asked me what my own limitations are, part of my reply ran along these lines: There’s nothing wrong with simply knowing that something isn’t for you; you shouldn’t feel obligated to try it in order to find out. Taboo, after all, means ‘forbidden’ or ‘disapproved of’. Forbidden can be sexy… but don’t feel like your disapproval isn’t legitimate, either.

That said, if your reaction is more complicated/mixed, I would encourage you not to discount this completely. I don’t know the extent/depth of your conversations, but maybe this just requires a little more discussion beforehand, even if it takes the spontaneity out of it— might pay off in the long run for both of you!

Anonymous: i've been thinking about how to word this without coming across as attacking - often when you talk about open relationships, it seems as though you are of the idea that monogamy is not at all plausible or possible - almost that you are defending polyamory by pointing out all that is wrong with monogamy. do you think that monogamy is entirely implausible? or that people in happy monogamous relationships must be acting facetious?

It doesn’t sound like an attack, no worries. I’m glad to clarify, because I think this is an important distinction: I’m not anti-monogamy at all. People oughta be free to involve themselves in whatever relationship structures work best for them (& their partner[s]); what sort of hypocrite would I be if I thought otherwise?

I’m defending polyamory because most people I’ve met in my life haven’t thought of it as plausible or possible. Since monogamy is very much the status quo when it comes to relationships, I don’t feel the need to discuss it here. I field way more questions (& in ‘real’ life, incredulous looks) when I talk about being in an open relationship than I ever did when I talked about being in a monogamous one. I never felt self-conscious about co-workers, family members, etc. knowing that I was monogamous in the way that I do about my current relationship structure. I’ve never been told that I’m morally corrupt or greedy, or that I “don’t respect myself” for being in a monogamous relationship. I’ve never had to defend or explain— or do extensive research regarding— monogamy because, like most other people, I was culturally conditioned to believe it was normal— & in fact, the only option available. I’ve never had to seek out working models for monogamous relationships because they were seemingly all around me (my parents are happily married, for instance.)

So really, I don’t know what there is left to talk about, which is why I don’t mention it here. But if anyone dropped monogamy-related questions in my Ask box, I certainly wouldn’t attack them about it. Hope that clears things up!

Anonymous: (pt2) but the problem is, I just can't. I've been told that sex is shameful so many times that every time I have thoughts of wanting to have sex with someone, I end up feeling horrible and guilty, like I'm a terrible person. I really don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling like my sex drive is something to be ashamed of? It's really horrible -- I can't go past kissing without feeling like a dirty whore. I really need some advice; the way I feel just isn't right.

I’ve drafted at least a half-dozen responses to your message in the weeks since it first appeared in my inbox, & each one feels lacking in some way. I want to condense my anger & sadness & sympathy (not as in Oh, you poor thing, but as in You don’t fucking deserve this. No one fucking deserves this) into some sort of all-encompassing, super empowering response; one that doesn’t sound venomous toward any institution, religious or otherwise, that (for reasons I can never bring myself to understand) insists upon making people— females especially— feel ashamed about something that is as natural to [most of] us as breathing. OUR BODIES WERE BUILT TO DO THIS.

… See, I keep trying to respond in a calm way, but my hands start to shake when I think about how many times I’ve heard a story like yours. It sickens me that something so primal & pleasurable has been marred by other people’s twisted association of ‘purity’ (what does that even mean?) with how much naked physical contact a person is or isn’t having.

I wish I could just sit you down & talk to you for hours, like I do with so many of my female friends of all ages & backgrounds, & ask you over & over, What is there to feel guilty about? Are you being safe? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you doing something that you want? Who does your body belong to? Who has the right to tell you what to do with it?

Of course, I can’t pretend like I know everything it takes to unravel years & years of indoctrination & intimidation. I wasn’t raised in a swinging, sexually-open household or anything; however, I wasn’t told what to do with sex any which way, either (other than being told, y’know, that it exists) & I certainly wasn’t encouraged to be the way that I am (if mama had it her way, I’d be married & monogamous by now.) So I do know how it feels to recognize the disparity between who you know yourself to be, & who other people expect you to be. It took me a long time to come to terms with my desires & proclivities, & to see them as perfectly legitimate & lovely & right instead of shameful or dirty. There is no reason to feel otherwise. Do you understand, darling? No reason at all.

I really believe that surrounding yourself with sex-positive & empowering voices— whether it’s an online resource or a book or a women’s center— can help you tremendously. As far as books go, this one is an absolute must; I’m happy to recommend plenty of others if you’d like.

No disrespect to your parents & whoever else ingrained this rubbish into your head, but my view is: people who think this way are illogical &, well, COMPLETELY WRONG. Sex, whether it’s before or after or during marriage, is nothing to be ashamed of! SEX IS AWESOME. HAVE LOTS OF IT!!!! xo

Anonymous: Is there anything you won't do during sex? How did you figure out your limits?

Most of us have at last one of those, right? My absolutely-not’s are pretty commonplace, I think: bodily waste (meaning, piss & poo), razors & knives & other related dangerous weapons, costumed role-playing (I’ll pretend to be x while you pretend to be y & we stay in character the entire time), & anything involving animals or minors is completely off limits. These all fall under the category of things I don’t have to try in order to realize I don’t want them. The ideas are turnoffs in themselves, & they just.. have nothing to do with sex for me. Not to knock anyone else’s proclivities (well, except the animals & minors thing.. knock that off); it’s just not my bag.

While I do try to be GGG (shout-out to my fellow Dan Savage readers!) as much as possible, if I don’t at least like the idea of someone else being aroused by it (because there are certainly things I agree to do because I like to see the other person react), it’s an all-around lose/lose. Otherwise, I’m down for most anything. It depends a lot on who’s asking, though..

Anonymous: how much to buy your panties?

I dunno, man. What kind of currency are we talking, & can I throw in S&H charges? Any specific kind of panties? What do you plan to do with them?

And most importantly: can we please come up with a word for female underwear that sounds less creepy than panties? Something about that word just makes me shudder.

..Your question just leads to more questions, friend.

Anonymous: What are your thoughts on threesomes/group sex? Awesome? Awkward? Ever tried it? Ever want to?

Well, I’ve got no problem with it. I prefer one person at a time, for the most part, because I’m a little neurotic & worry about spreading attention/affection around evenly (& fine, there’s an element of greediness to it, too.) Group sex can result in sidelining people at times… which isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you’re the voyeuristic type.

Sex with multiple partners at once falls under the just-took-a-bunch-of-ecstasy-and-it’s-4-AM-why-the-hell-not category of activities to me, but I can totally understand why people prefer to be super mature about it & discuss/plan things beforehand, especially if there are potential emotional repercussions &/or pre-existing relationships & friendships to consider. That’s just not how I operate, though; planning would sorta take the fun out of it for me.

Generally, I think it’s best not to overthink the potential outcome. It can be awesome or awkward or awesomely awkward or awkwardly awesome. Doesn’t hurt to try, in any case.

I mean, if you’re doing it solely because you like it in theory & you want to get a good story out of it, rather than because you’re attracted to all parties involved, of course it might be awkward.. & maybe disappointing. But in any case, sexual chemistry isn’t a thing that can be predicted, regardless of whether you’re dealing with one partner or five.

I’ll tell you this much: porn taught me a lot about how to synchronize/coordinate several bodies at once. (You never know when this knowledge will come in handy..)

Oh &, as ever, I gotta preach: condoms, condoms, condoms.